Hello, loyal customers! Recently, many, MANY of you have been asking “what can I do to stop oil company pollution from destroying literally everything I know and love?”
With 7 billion people on Earth who all want to live a safe and healthy life, there are so many opportunities for you to stop us.
So here’s what to do: Nothing! Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. It’s working great for us. Please especially don’t do any of the things below, ok?
Help us help you help us and hurt you. Love and murder,
— Darren Woods, CEO, Exxon
— Mike Wirth, CEO, Chevron
— Bernard Looney, CEO, BP
— Mammon, Dark Lord of the Underworld and CEO, Shell
DON’T STOP ELECTING THE POLITICIANS WE OWN, AND DON’T STOP TOLERATING THEIR REPEATED FAILURES
It’s so cheap (and legal) for the oil industry to buy off your leaders, you might think we actually made it that way. And you’d be right! Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get rid of the whole “people voting” thing entirely. So you still have some ability to rock the boat, but please don’t. Trust us: your laws, democratic system, and current elected leaders are the best we can get.
Don’t make your voice heard to elected leaders, and don’t encourage people to participate in the political process. Definitely don’t:
DON’T SPEAK OUT, SHARE YOUR FEELINGS, OR CONNECT WITH OTHERS WHO SHARE YOUR CONCERNS
Silence is golden. People are more willing to take action and speak out when they see other people doing it. So don’t! Did you know 63% of people still rarely or never talk to friends about climate change? In the oil industry, we call that a BIG victory.
Just stay home, stay quiet and stay by yourself. For example, don’t:
DON’T STOP BUYING OIL AND GAS FROM US
100% of fossil fuel pollution starts with fossil fuel companies. But 40% of this pollution ends in your households. So if you were to switch up how you power your home, major appliances, and vehicle, that would really suck for us, money wise. Also PLEASE keep ignoring the sun. Every day it sends Earth 10,000 times more energy than you buy from us — only free, and non-polluting. Hard to compete with that, so we’d rather not!
If you have a car, or own a home or building, then don’t:
If you pay an electric bill, whether or not you own your home, then stay away from:
DON’T CALL OUT THE MONEY FLOWING TO OUR DEATH PROJECTS
Our ability to profit at the expense of all of humanity simply wouldn’t be possible without the generous financial support of the banks who lend us hundreds of billions of dollars, and the insurers who shield us from paying for our likely environmental disasters. Can you guess who’s money the banks and insurers use to do this? This is so funny: It’s yours! Ha!
If you have a bank account, it’s especially important that you don’t:
DON’T GIVE YOUR MONEY TO ANYONE OTHER THAN US
You’ve given the oil industry SO MUCH money. The kind of money where we can buy the majority of congress, flood the airwaves with bullshit, fund think tanks and front groups to churn out junk science and faux populist outrage, and still have enough to pay a CEO $36 million a year. We love your money, don’t stop giving it to us!
Don’t give ANY of your money to: