World Leaders Work Urgently To Make it Seem Like They Are Working Urgently On The Climate Crisis

October 3, 2023

GENEVA — After new data showed September’s global temperature reaching a totally unprecedented 1.8C above the pre-industrial average, government leaders across the globe have united in an unprecedented real-time response to the rapidly intensifying climate emergency: Agreeing to vague far-off emissions pledges, repeatedly saying they believe in climate change, and in some cases nakedly approving more and more massive oil and gas projects.

“It’s a tricky business,” said one world leader who asked to remain anonymous. “We have to appear to be treating the problem seriously while not giving a single, solitary fuck.”

Another world leader compared the delicate give-and-take to an Actor having to convince an audience he or she is a Doctor.

“I actually don’t ever read or hear the science,” said a Cabinet Minister of Science for a major industrialized nation. “Because then it would make it harder for me to totally roll over for big oil at every turn.”

Through a series of climate conferences around the globe, many world leaders are thankful for the opportunity to get their pictures taken in front of some kind of bullshit graphic involving the word “climate.”

“Every now and then you have to do a little something, so people think you’re on it,” said US President Joe Biden who just approved three new offshore drilling lease sales in the Gulf of Mexico over the next 5 years. “We passed tax breaks for those… what you call ’em, sun panels? And something called a heat pump — and that really shut people up while their towns flooded or caught fire.”

“We owe a lot of credit to the press for making us sound like reasonable leaders instead of sociopathic madmen,” said British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. “Last week, I approved a massive new offshore drilling operation in the North Sea and literally said it was ‘good for the climate‘ and the Guardian straight up printed that bollocks!”

All of the leaders we spoke to were aware the only action that would stop or slow the giant earth system death machine that they have allowed and perpetuated was to rapidly phase out the burning of any and all oil, gas, and coal.

But when asked why they aren’t doing that, most mumbled something about “a gradual transition,” or just looked out the window for a long time before being startled I was still there.

“Having a lot of papers on your desk is always good,” said Canadian PM Justin Trudeau, whose nation was one of the largest expanders of oil and gas drilling last year. “Or showing up at one of the many disaster sites and making the ‘I’m on this’ face while listening to the on-the-ground folks give you some sob story.”

With sea ice melting and global sea and air temperatures spiking in ways that are shocking and frightening even the most experienced scientists this year, it’s clear world leaders have a lot of work to do to make it seem like they’re doing a lot of work.